It’s Time


Fangirling over a celebrity can be like a courtship. first comes puppy love, then the realization of something deeper, which cultivates into a commitment of sorts. the “falling” eventually runs it’s course and you settle into an existence. as time goes on things change, because people change. we can either evolve and move forward, or veer off onto a path that takes us somewhere else. we can’t move backwards. while you may tell yourself that if you just stay still then everything will work itself out, you risk sacrificing your happiness to do so.



When I first started this blog, I was firmly in the puppy stage. I wanted to gush about Richard until I was out of breath, take a hit of oxygen, and then gush some more! then I moved into the “something deeper” phase and found myself exploring the hearts of not only the characters Richard portrayed, but the man himself. once I settled into “an existence” though, it became harder and harder to come up with fresh blog post ideas. in the beginning, it was effortless, but now that I’m three years in I have to work at it. I don’t like forcing it and I don’t like not posting either because it feels like a white blank space that blinds me. so after much thought, I’ve decided to hang up my blogging hat. I’ve had a good run, have so many good memories to keep with me, and so I think it’s better to sign off now while I still feel that way.


Do I regret any of it? no, not even a little. this blogging experience has shaped me in ways that I never imagined; good, bad, and everything in between. I’m not sure I could have done it with any other crush or any other fandom. but while I may be done blogging about Richard Armitage, that does not mean I am ready to quit being a fan of Richard’s or leave the fandom altogether. I’d miss you guys way too much! (and him too, but whatever)


he knows

To mark this transition for myself, I’ve picked a new look for this blog but the memories we’ve shared here will remain. I wouldn’t have had as much fun as I’ve had, without all of you, and so I want to be able to revisit those times whenever I feel the need. I hope you will stop by and browse back through them as well when you need a pick-me-up. I’m not sure where the next chapter of my fangirling will take me, but it soothes me to know I’ll be among friends. thank you for sharing the last 3 years with me, “the ride with you was worth the fall”.

Catch you on the flip side!
❤ Kelly



Richard Armitage has a right to do/say what he wants. so does every fan in this fandom, whether they are in agreement with his preferences or not.


When fans chastise other fans by saying ‘if you don’t like what Richard tweets, then don’t read it’, they should also turn that right back around to themselves: don’t like opposition to Richard? then don’t read complaints about him.

"when you point one finger, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you"

‘when you point one finger, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you’


He’s a grown man and can take of himself. no shit, really?! I thought he was an 8 year old orphan with no one to look out for his well being. don’t I feel silly?

'can you walk me home, Ms.Hale? I can't cross the street by myself'

‘would you walk me home, Ms.Hale? I can’t cross the street by myself’


Unwritten fandom rule: don’t speculate about Richard’s actions…unless you agree with them. if you sympathize with him, then feel free to offer up countless explanations about what may be going on in his life that could be influencing his mood. but if you don’t like what he’s doing, then you should just keep your mouth shut, because speculation is intrusive!

sexual fantasies involving his person? Allowed. analysis of his words? Prohibited!

sexual fantasies involving his person? Allowed. analysis of his words? Prohibited!


We did not elect anyone fandom president or sheriff, and do not have a set of official rules. because we are grown adults and can take care of ourselves.



So in summary: I am allowed to not like the way Richard handles his Twitter account. just as you are allowed to love it and not want to change a thing. let us respect each other.




I’d like to give a shout-out to fellow bloggers, Servetus and Perry, to show them some support. they keep us up to date on Richard’s career, doing countless hours of legwork, so that we don’t have to. and they give us a venue to voice our opinions, which is hard to come by in this fandom. all that goes into writing a blog post is time consuming. putting yourself out there when sharing an unpopular view, takes courage.


Free Form

I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. ~Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice


Hi! *waves* long time no see. it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged but I’m still wandering around the fandom.



A few days ago I saw a retweet of a new fanvid by Girl of Gisborne. I clicked on it because it was described as a “crack” video, and I was curious to see if it could make me laugh. it did, I loved it! it felt so good to laugh at something fandom related again.


Even though I had recently unfollowed Richard on Twitter


“I say who, I say when, I say…who.”

I found myself still following the drama surrounding his newfound voice, and I saw him say:




did Richard just….stand his ground?!





he soon removed the tweet but that didn’t matter to me this time because that phrase, ‘feel free not to follow‘, got stuck on a loop inside my head. like it was supposed to mean something to me, something important. hmm.


After months of RA related silence on Twitter, I made a tweet about him (give me a new photoshoot, Richard, and I will tweet your pretty face more often. just sayin’.)

more of this, please!

more of this, please!

when someone replied that it was good to see I still liked Richard. it brought to my mind his words describing love. Richard makes me feel all of those things sometimes, with his words and his actions. and that’s okay.



My 3 year blogging anniversary was in May. on that day I found myself reflecting back on some of the things I had learned throughout my RA fangirling/blogging experience. I didn’t make a post that day but I did save the list I had made:


  1. I’ve learned that it’s easy to get caught up in the happenings that surround you
  2. I’ve learned that it feels better to forgive, than to hold onto a grudge
  3. I’ve learned that considering other points of view broadens your horizons
  4. I’ve learned that there is a freedom in not having to prove that you are right
  5. I’ve learned the appeal of being the class clown
  6. I’ve learned that my fan experience is *my* responsibility
  7. I’ve learned that Richard and I are not interchangeable
  8. I’ve learned that I like leather jackets
  9. I’ve learned that I greatly admire subtle acts of rebellion
  10. I’ve learned that I like a well trimmed beard
  11. I’ve learned that following your heart may cost you friends
  12. I’ve learned that I always have a choice


I added that last line just yesterday, because I finally realized why Richard’s tweet was on repeat inside my head. Feel Free. free to do my thing and free for Richard to do his.

…and the record stopped skipping.



Laces Optional

When I first saw the behind-the-scenes pics/video of Richard filming ‘Berlin Station’ wearing Converse brand All Star sneakers without laces, I was intrigued.


how did they stay on without slipping if there were no laces? I’ve worn similar shoes throughout the years and when I leave them untied, they flop around all over the place! over the next few days whenever I saw these pics of Richard in the shoes, I would ponder. then I saw a candid of Christian Bale in Converse brand All Star sneakers without laces


…what? this was too much of a coincidence. off to Google! and what I found is that Converse now makes ‘Chuck Taylor All Star Slips’


The Converse Chuck Taylor All Star Slip offers our iconic Oxford silhouette, but renders laces optional with an effortless, slip on design. Easy on, easy off. The washed canvas gives it a well-worn, lived in look. The classic All Star heel patch, vulcanized rubber sole, brushed metal eyelets, reinforced rubber toe cap, padded footbed and cultural authenticity remain intact.



and now it all makes sense! Just another day in the life of a fangirl.


Subconsciously Speaking

While cleaning out my drafts folder the other day, I found a few dreams about Richard that I had written down but never shared. and since all dreams of Richard should be shared, I give you ‘3 dreams of Richard Armitage’.


dream no. 1

Richard was my neighbor for the summer.

you kids get off my lawn!

you kids get off my lawn!


he lived in a duplex down the street, while he was in the area filming. it was a residential community and practically the whole block was milling about at a fellow neighbor’s yard sale that day. I started walking back home with some others, Richard trailing not far behind. my grandmother lived across the street, and she was outside struggling with something that she was putting out on the curb for pick-up day. Richard stopped to help her and she kept commenting on how young and fit he was, squeezing his biceps in the process. then he bent over and well,

my, what a firm tushie you have, young man!



I was laughing so hard I almost fell down in the street! Richard heard me cackling, which caused him to start laughing as well. he finished up with Grandma, while I tried to compose myself, and then the two of us continued to walk along together. we were talking intently about the novel he was currently filming an adaptation of, as we arrived at his door. he touched my bare shoulder in response to something I had said and then left his hand there, kind of moving it around in a soothing flirty way.




as he pulled away to unlock his door, the college student next door who was visiting on an exchange program, appeared and fought for my attention. I had no idea what she was saying but it seemed like she wanted to show me something. I looked at Richard with pleading eyes (he knew how enthusiastic this girl could be) but he just smiled and said to come over when she was finished with me. then we kind of just goofily smiled at each other, before the girl was able to pull me forcefully from the spot and through her door.



the rest of the dream was me trying to get back to Richard while the girl kept dragging me to and fro around her house, showing me things and forcing me to engage in polite conversation with her roommates. Richard freaking Armitage is waiting for me next door, I do not care about your shower curtain!



dream no. 2

I was a teacher and taking my students on our first field trip to a local wildlife refuge area. Christian Bale and his family lived on the property.


one of the students got lost, but the more we pieced things together it seemed like she might have actually been taken by someone. great, my first outing and one of my students gets kidnapped!

so inconvenient!

so inconvenient


I went to Christian’s house to ask for his help, thinking he would know some of the out-of-the-way places that we hadn’t checked yet. he was very helpful and ended up finding the missing little girl. after the whole ordeal was over and I was leaving his house (all the kids had been picked up by their parents at this point) I encountered Richard, digging a trench in the backyard.

Mr. DIY, at your service!

Mr. DIY, at your service!


he was installing drain pipe, as a favor to Christian. I didn’t even know that he knew Christian. Richard and I were really good friends, but had been avoiding each other since the day I boldly declared my love for him and tried to kiss him. what followed was some awesome dialogue, that probably wasn’t so very awesome but dream me thinks it was and real me can’t remember much of it, so we’ll just pretend that it was Oscar worthy.



I do remember that Richard asked me to further explain my feelings for him. things got really sappy as I proceeded to tell him everything I admired about him (kind of like I do on this blog…) then I asked him how he felt about me in return, to which he answered with a heartfelt ‘When Harry Met Sally type of speech’, “I love that you’re the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night” etc.



then why the hell have we been avoiding each other?! I went off on a little rant then, which was abruptly stopped by Richard kissing me. we pulled back and looked at each other, surprised, then I attacked him! with tongue and teeth and everything else, until I knocked him flat on his back in the dirt.

what can I say? I'm passionate when it comes to Richard!

what can I say? I’m passionate about Richard


dream no. 3 

the dream opens with me running into a guy named Trevor, in the town square. we got to talking about a dinner party that my landlady was set to host that evening and Trevor was chiding me to just get over myself and attend, for once. I had a push-pull kind of relationship with my landlady. sometimes we got along well, while other times I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with her. I had never attended the dinner parties that she routinely hosted for her society friends because I thought they were snooty and boring, so I lied and said I had other plans.

sorry, I can't tonight. I have to objectify male celebrities online

sorry, I can’t tonight. I have to objectify male celebrities online


I told Trevor I knew I was acting like a putz and I should probably just swallow my pride and get with the program. I was very lonely, living in a new town far from home, but wanted to appear like I had it all together and that nothing affected me. it had gone on long enough though, and I was ready to bite the bullet and attend. this pleased Trevor, not only because I would finally be attending one of the parties but also because there was someone he wanted to try and set me up with but didn’t have a place for us to meet in a no-pressure setting. Trevor was a hopeless romantic and it seemed to really bother him that I wasn’t dating. it’s not that I didn’t want to date, I was just kind of bad at it.



when I got back to the house, I decided to peek into the back windows by the kitchen to see if I could spot LL(landlady). I still needed to psych myself up for attending the party, get in the right headspace, but if I ran into LL then she’d want me to help prepare for the party and I wouldn’t have any time to myself beforehand. I was on the back deck and if I tried to turn around now and enter the house a different way, she would see me. so I decided to quit being a basket case and just go in. painful small talk ensued wherein I complimented her outfit, which was dressier than usual. she said Trevor was inviting someone to the party that he hoped he could fix her up with. well, that was odd, didn’t he tell me that I was the one he hoped this man would hit it off with? LL was only a few years older than me, but we would not attract the same type of men. I was standing there in jeans, a white t-shirt and black leather jacket, after all.

Ricky approves.

Ricky approves!


the party had begun and a few of the guests were there already. I was feeling very out of place and was wondering when Trevor would show up. the guests were nice enough, but so not my crowd. the doorbell rang and since LL was in the middle of telling a story, I went to answer it for her. on the other side of the door was Richard, and we had a “moment” as I opened the door and invited him inside. 

you had me at "Hello"

you had me at “Hello”


who was this handsome man and how the heck did he know my pretentious landlady?! when I introduced myself he laughed and said he was confused because I was not how Trevor described the host of the party. oh, okay, this was Trevor’s friend. so he was going to chum up to LL then? odd choice of Trevor, and a bummer for me because I really found him attractive. he seemed more my kind of people, maybe Trevor was trying to get her out of her comfort zone? 


we moved into the party and I introduced him to everyone. while he was talking to LL, I slipped into the kitchen to put his food offering with the others. I was alone, when Trevor patted my shoulder to get my attention. he asked me what I thought of Richard and why I had left him out there looking all forlorn. what? I said I liked Richard fine, better than fine, but he was here for LL. that sent Trevor into a laughing fit which ended with him chastising me, asking what kind of matchmaker I thought he was. I was very confused now! Trevor explained that he had invited a different man for LL but he had to cancel. when Trevor found out I was actually coming tonight, he invited Richard. I peeked out into the sitting room and saw LL flirting with Richard, hand on his thigh, and he trying to remain polite and interested in what she was saying. Richard saw Trevor and I peeking and raised his eyebrows, I held up my finger for “one minute” and ducked back behind the wall with Trevor. I slapped Trevor and said LL thinks Richard is here for her! he said he’d straighten it out, in the meantime I should go rescue Richard.

don't make any sudden movements...

don’t make any sudden movements!


the rest of the party had Richard and I sticking to each other like glue, whether it be beside each other sitting on the sofa or standing around the kitchen island, we were chatting up a storm. Trevor had straightened out LL in regards to the matchmaking mix-up but she was not to be deterred, she was attracted to Richard and was miffed that he seemed to be smitten with me. so while were were trying to stay engaged in the general conversation with her other guests, she started taunting me and trying to make me look bad in front of everyone. teasing me about some of the social faux pas I had made when I first moved in and casually mentioning conversations we had where I didn’t know who the state senator was or how to pronounce local street names, etc. the climax was when she mentioned that I didn’t have a career but had decided to wander like a vagrant instead. ouch. I tried to politely excuse myself and retreated to the kitchen, then outside on the deck before I cried in front of everyone.

it's Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

it’s pronounced Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!


I was sitting on the floor of the deck, in my bare feet. Richard sat down beside me and gently put his hand on my shoulder, rubbing and squeezing a bit to try and comfort me. I raised my head and looked at him. I finally found someone who I could feel comfortable with and she tried to sabotage it! he seemed to read my thoughts as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear saying, “two strangers in a strange land, that’s you and me. I’m so glad I met you tonight”



this started up a conversation about his time there, me guessing where he grew up from his accent, and what I was doing here (LL wasn’t far off the mark with her wandering statement) others started trickling out onto the deck, so we got up off the ground and moved to some chairs. the other guests were being a lot nicer to me then they were before, smiling softly when they saw how attentive Richard was being to me, as we shared a bowl of his homemade pudding. 

no caption needed


after most of the guests had left and a few were still lingering, LL finally came out, strode over to me, and asked for my house key. she was kicking me out? everyone was stunned. Trevor’s eyes were wider than anyone’s! I incredulously asked what was going on and she said I had over stayed my welcome. oh no. I have nowhere to go, not enough money to stay on my own! Trevor said I could stay on his couch until I figured something out (he lived with his partner in a studio flat, not ideal) I numbly nodded my head. Richard had been very quiet throughout the confrontation and I was afraid to look at him, feeling embarrassed and lost all over again. when I did look though, he was seething! gone was the polite gentleman and in his place was my fierce protector.

oh, the bitchface! shit just got real.

oh, the bitchface! shit just got real.


he ushered me away, telling Trevor that I was going to stay in his spare room. as he continued to rant to Trevor about LL’s behavior, I was just standing there in my bare feet, starting to shake from shock. Richard picked my shoes up off the ground and handed them to me as he placed his suit jacket around my shoulders. when we had walked around the front of the house, Richard stopped and asked if I was going to put my shoes on to cross the road to his car. I blinked away the shock and gently teased that he had to follow the knight in shining armor routine clear to the end, and carry me to his steed. he laughed and blushed a little, then swept me up into his arms. I gave him a sweet kiss on the cheek and internally swooned my hero.


The End.


Hot for Teacher


Meet Cute 

Gary Fuller


1.) What was your first impression of me?

that you may actually be Clark Kent. I’m still not 100% sure that you’re not.

I see you've checked your humor at the door...again.

I see you’ve checked your humor at the door, again.


2.) What is your idea of a truly romantic evening with me?

you’re adamant that we have a date night every weekend. no matter what we do, whether it’s going to a movie, having a picnic, or ice skating, you always wear a jacket and tie. I tease you about it but you say it’s your way of showing me how important making time for us is to you. and that you really like giving me your jacket when I get cold.

a gentleman is always prepared.

a gentleman is always prepared


3.) Something that you’d like to change in me but don’t have the nerve to tell me

when you chew gum, you sound like a cow chewing it’s cud. 




4.) Which 3 parts of my body are your favorites, and why?

choose? I can’t. I won’t. and you can’t make me!

Detention with Mr. Fuller is my favorite.

Detention with Mr. Fuller? yes, please!


5.) 3 qualities that attracted you when we first met, or once you got to know me

kind, affectionate, never give up on those you love


6.) What is our favorite movie to watch together, and our favorite song?

movie: Fast Times at Ridgemont High 

song: Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston


7.) Fruit or vegetable I resemble, and why

Potato, because Trey & Donnie say you have eyes in the back of your head

don't think I can't see you. now behave!

‘don’t think I can’t see you, I can. so behave!’


8.) Our first date, where did it take place and what did we do?

 you had to chaperon Senior Prom and took me as your date. I told Donnie that you drank too much of the spiked punch, to explain away your dance moves. you didn’t actually drink the punch.

sweet baby Jesus

sweet baby Jesus.


9.) If we hadn’t met, where would you be right now?

late for everything. 

taking into account normal traffic patterns and current weather conditions, you only have 5 minutes left to eat or you'll be late.

‘taking into account normal traffic patterns and current weather conditions, you only have 5 minutes left to eat before you’re late’


10.) What was on your mind the last time we were intimate?

my obsession with you in wet clothes is going to get us into trouble one of these days

Trey! turn that off and get back inside! now!

Trey! turn that off and get back inside! now!


11.) What was the first thing we said to one another?

I accidentally rear ended your car on your way to school one morning. when I saw you get out of the car, I became a bit tongue-tied

*cue Heavenly choirs singing*

*cue Heavenly choirs singing*


you weren’t much better than me, flustered because the accident made you late for work. that’s what I gathered, anyway, from the few words I could make sense of out of your rambling. you also told me your name was Gary Morris. I must have given you whiplash, for you to have forgotten your own name! thankfully Trey was with you and took charge of things, even convincing the tow truck driver to drop us all off at the High School. the ride over was awkward, with me not being able to speak and you smiling at me like a goon.


it all worked out in the end because next thing I knew, we were having coffee together in the teacher’s lounge, chatting together like old friends. I don’t even drink coffee. or work at the High School.

Trey filmed the whole thing, of course.

Trey filmed the whole thing


12.) What do you like the best about me?

your ‘Wise Guy’ impersonation. it’s cute that you think it’s good.

badda bing, badda boom, fuggedaboutit!

‘badda bing, badda boom, fuggedaboutit!’



We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting laundry ~E.B.White


When I think of what it is to be a fan of an actor, following their career and taking part in discussions about them and their work, words that come to my mind are things like admiration, gratification, fulfillment, passion, camaraderie, fun. that’s what I feel when I’m admiring on my own or with like minded people but when someone asks me about my hobbies, what I like to do for fun, do I say I like to admire actors and discuss their work online? (oh! that was good phrasing, I need to remember that…) the answer is: no. why? because the words that swirl around my head in those situations are more along the lines of childish, shameful, secretive, stalkerish, judgmental, misunderstood. when I do attempt to explain, people generally think I mean gossip magazines and entertainment news shows, neither of which are really my thing.



my family and close friends know about my “hobby”. I wouldn’t say they’re supportive so much as indifferent. they know I like actors and the movies they star in, I talk about them all the time, but I’m a storyteller so it’s just par for the course when I bring up a character from a movie to illustrate a point. if I went into detail about how I know or why I know, well, that’s when things get tricky. because unless you get paid to be a movie critic or gossip columnist, then you’re just wasting your time on frivolous pursuits. “wow, you really like this guy don’t you? isn’t that a little…obsessive?”



I’m drawn to actors. not musicians, or directors, or professional athletes, but actors. I like acting. the psychology of why I admire the male variety is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things; the lust factor is not as big as people automatically assume. if I were a man, these actors would be my sports heroes. I would rattle off their batting averages and recall specific games in detail, while pondering how their grip on the bat affects their swing. I would vocally admire their impressive knack for reading other players and speculate about their emotional state and how it may be throwing them off balance, or maybe that’s just the cut of the new uniforms. all of that would be considered normal. yet watching all of an actor’s work and recalling the nuances of body language they put into each character, while comparing their real life persona to their acting one, is obsessive. admiring an actor’s craft and the choices that they make, both professionally and personally, and weighing how the way they see the world around them plays into all of that; well, that’s stalking. “you know you can’t have a relationship with them, right? they’re not real” 

not real? I was the last time I checked...

‘last time I checked, I was real’


I’ve been admiring actors pretty much all my life. the reasons change, how I go about “admiring” may differ, but it’s always something that I’ve enjoyed. and just as there is skill in sports, a rush of excitement and adrenaline, life lessons to be taken away from the game and applied to real life; I find all of that in acting as well. the drooling over the attractiveness of the players, is just human nature. and the lighthearted, sometimes silly, atmosphere that often infuses the crowd? silly is subjective. next time you go to a professional sporting event, look around you and you’ll see what I mean. 

Cosplay? never heard of it.

‘Cosplay? never heard of it’


sports, cars, acting, singing, fashion, fishing; it’s all relative. recognize what brings you joy and embrace it. what we do, as fans, doesn’t have to be hidden in shame. it makes us happy, it connects us to others, it can be a healthy escape from the not-so-fun responsibilities of our every day realities. what’s so wrong with that?



as we so often say in this fandom, every one “fans” differently, there is no right or wrong way to do it. while many of us may follow a similar path in the way we go about things, our personalities and individual situations are reflected in our actions. we have different sensibilities, we get different things out of the experience but the great thing about being a fan online is that it’s all up to us, we can tailor it to fit our needs. my “normal” usually consists of the following: I become aware of an actor and am impressed by one of his performances. I look him up on IMDb to see what other movies/television shows he’s been in. I Google his name and click on a few fan-sites, along with browsing through Google images to get a better feel of him. this usually satisfies my initial curiosity but as the weeks and months go by, I’ll casually investigate more by turning to Youtube for interviews. if I’m lucky, someone will have uploaded some of his older, lesser known work. after watching some of that, I’ll turn back to the fan-sites and find print interviews and articles. I like both video and print interviews because they offer slightly different views on the actor’s personality and work ethic. all of this “research” may take place over several weeks and months, or it may be a crash course that happens over one weekend; I tend to alternate between the two. 

Popquiz, hotshot: there's a tornado chasing a bus. if the bus picks up speed your wet shirt will dry, disappointing fangirls everywhere. what do you do? what do you do?!

popquiz, hotshot: there’s a tornado chasing a bus. if the bus picks up speed your wet shirt will dry, disappointing fangirls everywhere. what do you do? what do you do?!


it’s normal for me to not be able to get an actor off my mind. how he moves, how he talks, what I’ve learned about his background and what kind of actor he is. I become enamored with his characters, daydreaming about their stories and struggles, putting myself in their shoes and contemplating what I would have done differently in their situation. by this point I’ve formed some opinions on the actor and his work, and so I might venture out to see what other people think of him. this can be hard at the “puppy love” stage because the internet is a harsh place.



people may say he’s ugly, people may say he seems like a jerk, people may complain that his acting sucks and anyone who doesn’t see it must be blind. this is when I forcefully sit on my hands and resist the (very strong) urge to jump in and say that they’re the crazy ones if they can’t see how talented he is! that I happen to like how he looks and no one is forcing them to like him, so just be quiet!! 




but here’s what I always have to remind myself: their words have nothing to do with me. their words don’t change how the actor affects me. their words are just words. in the end, all that really matters is me. I shouldn’t have to defend what makes me happy, I shouldn’t have to justify why it makes me happy or how. I can internally debate those things on my own, but looking to others for approval about what makes me happy is not something I want to spend my time on. 

it shows, believe me.

it shows, believe me.


I want to fall in love with fictional characters. I want to revel in the way that certain actors bring them to life. I want to learn about the actors that portray those characters, see myself in them and watch them experience things that I never will. I want to see them grow as people and let them continually surprise me with their talent. I want to smile when I hear their voice in interviews, swoon when I see them in photoshoots, laugh and cry and rage and even shiver in fear, as they wreak havoc on my emotions during their performances. I want to celebrate all of the good things about them with fellow fans, and even admit the not-so-good things about them (and consequently, me) with people that I feel safe with. I learn from them, both the actors themselves and the people I discuss them with, in so many different ways. 

everyday I'm shufflin

everyday I’m shufflin


“What’s your hobby?”

I like to crush on talented men.




and just for the record, I have nothing against sports.

I like sports. a lot.



Can’t Fight the Friction

It’s Meet Cute time again, this time with Thorin! Now it may appear that Thorin & I are at odds a lot of the time, but just keep in mind that friction can be good.


Meet Cute: Thorin Oakenshield


1.) What was your first impression of me?

in one word: Stubborn

but did you stop to ask for directions? of course not.

did you stop to ask for directions? of course not.


2.) What is your idea of a truly romantic evening with me?

this one is tricky, because I know your limits. if we go out, the same thing always happens: we go to a movie, you leave the theater crying. no matter if it’s a romantic comedy or a superhero flick, you cry.




then you confront the first person who happens to look you in the eye, insulting them for no good reason.

was that really necessary?

was that really necessary?


your buddies show up,

when you're a Dwarf, you're a Dwarf all the way

when you’re a Dwarf, you’re a Dwarf all the way


and you all end up in jail. every time.

whatever you're about to say in your defense: don't.

whatever you’re about to say in your defense, don’t.


so. a romantic evening for us that I can actually enjoy, is when we sit around the fire after dinner and read aloud to one another.

no, you cannot check Twitter first! ugh.

no, you cannot check Twitter first!


3.) Something that you’d like to change in me but don’t have the nerve to tell me

your friends. find new ones.




4.) Which 3 parts of my body are your favorites, and why?

all of this:

no explanation needed.

no explanation needed


and your sword too.

that isn't a body part...

‘that isn’t a body part…’


5) 3 qualities that attracted you when we first met, or once you got to know me

you’re strong, arrogant, and have a knack for annoying people without even trying



6.) What is our favorite movie to watch together, and our favorite song?

our favorite movie is Reign of Fire – you like fighting dragons and I like Christian Bale, win/win! our favorite song, on the other hand… I’m sure you’ve convinced yourself that it’s We Will Rock You (but it’s really Heigh Ho).


7.) Fruit or vegetable I resemble, and why

a Chili Pepper, because you’re hot headed

alright, I probably shouldn't have revealed your favorite song. but c'mon, that shit is funny. admit it!

alright, alright! I shouldn’t have revealed your favorite song.


8.) Our first date, where did it take place and what did we do?

it took awhile for me to agree to go out with you, but you kept creeping around until I finally gave in.



for our first date you took me to a family dinner. I spent half the night in the kitchen, washing dishes with your rowdy nephews



while you where off who knows where, doing who knows what with your cousins.

I don't even want to know...

I don’t even want to know

that memory still makes me mad! you suck!

yes, Dear.

‘yes, Dear’


9.) If we hadn’t met, where would you be right now?



10.) What was on your mind the last time we were intimate?

your sword.


11.) What was the first thing we said to one another?

you ordered me to take your cloak as soon as you came through the door. I dropped it on the floor and walked away.

it was the start of a beautiful friendship

still my favorite memory


12.) What do you like the best about me?

despite your faults, you look damn good in a suit!




Mr. Andrews

Paul Andrews, from Between the Sheets, has always been a confusing character for me. in discussions about him, I defended him. not that he wasn’t guilty of the crime he committed but more that he had reasons for acting the way that he did; his actions were understandable to me. I wasn’t condoning his behavior necessarily, but I was acknowledging that it could be reality, not just drama for drama’s sake. what I couldn’t seem to do was say, straight up, that what Paul did was creepy and wrong. I always ended up delving into the whys and hows instead. it was those Puppy Dog Eyes! they are my Kryptonite.

of course you can come home with me!

of course you can come home with me!


I’ve avoided writing about Paul in my then & now look back at the RA characters, putting it off and then putting it off again. I wanted to be honest about my views, what they were compared to what they are now, how they’ve changed (if at all), but that would entail really sitting down and looking at my reactions. and I wasn’t sure what I would discover about myself if I did.

this scene turned me on more than the sex did

this scene turned me on more than the sex did


When I first encountered Paul, it was through one of the fan made compilations that only showed his part of the story. I knew it was giving me a one dimensional view of things by not showing other points of view but as far as Paul himself was concerned, I thought it was enough to get a solid understanding of him. I know where my mind was when I thought that and I could argue for that stance still but my feelings about that, overall, have changed. it would be like basing my opinion of someone’s character only on my own interactions with them, completely disregarding how I see them interact with others and how others react to them. if I just don’t want to get too highly involved with someone, to only take them at face value, that’s all well and good but I have to admit that to myself and own it. I wasn’t doing that with Paul.

I tried to convince myself that this fashion statement could be overlooked. it can't.

I tried to convince myself that this facial hair could be overlooked. it cannot.


Initially I thought that Paul did fool around with Tracy in a sexual manner, I just wasn’t sure to what extent. in the grand scheme of things “how much” didn’t matter, what matters is that he did and he shouldn’t have. not only because she was underage, a troubled youth who he was supposed to be helping and guiding as her Social Worker, but also because he was in a long term committed relationship with Alona. I knew all of that and I said as much but I wasn’t really standing behind it. I tried to put myself in Alona’s shoes but she, like me, didn’t really know what she was feeling or why, so I put myself in Paul’s shoes instead. if I couldn’t figure out how I was feeling about him, I could at least try to see things through his eyes. but he kept tripping me up! it was like watching one of those ‘dumbest criminals’ shows; if you’re going to be nefarious, don’t do it half-assed. add to this the fact that I was attracted to him (duh. he looks just like Richard) and I was all kinds of conflicted. so I let myself be pulled along by him, intuition be damned.

I knew. and he knew that I knew. and I knew that he knew that I knew. but none of that mattered.

I knew. and he knew that I knew. and I knew that he knew that I knew. but none of it mattered.


I felt that Paul was feeling neglected, that Alona was in denial about her control issues, and that giving in to Tracy’s advances not only made Paul feel desirable and needed but also in control. I still feel all of that, but in watching the whole program (more than once- denial is a stubborn thing) additional aspects became more clear. Tracy’s advances did make Paul feel desirable and in control, because she was broken and she needed him. just like Alona was broken when they first met and she needed him. they needed him for different reasons but they were both damsels in distress that weren’t in their own mind at the time. Alona eventually moved away from that needy persona into a similar one when she decided to have a child with Paul. I’m not sure how involved Paul was as a father but I suspect Alona needed the family man when their child was small. flash forward 6 or 7 years (I’m not sure how old their daughter was supposed to be) with a slightly older child and an extra pair of hands (the nanny) plus an angsty teenage boy who was testing his boundaries, and Alona had traded in need for control. something I understood all too well and did not want to face by seeing myself in Alona. I didn’t want to sympathize with Alona, I wanted to comfort Paul and keep him for myself.

the (deluded) heart wants what it wants

the (deluded) heart wants what it wants


once I admitted that I wanted to keep Paul for myself (it was hard, believe me), all Paul’s attempts at manipulation by turning the arguments back around on Alona, became strikingly apparent. I’m more than a little familiar with that conflict resolution tactic because it seemed to be my mother and father’s favorite way to deal with each other when I was growing up. Oh, hold the phone! Alona and Paul represent my parents…




So, in summary: I wanted Paul to be a better man than he was. I wanted Alona to see Paul as a man and not a boy. I tried to control the story and make it do what I wanted.

story of my life