But because my mother taught me that what I feel and who I am matters, that I shouldn’t just sit in a corner and be forgotten, I speak up. I share my thoughts and feelings when I encounter conversations that peak my interest. If I can relate to what someone is saying, then I chime in to let them know that they are not alone. Sometimes I’m insensitive, sometimes it’s hard for me to reign in my passion, sometimes I get offended or feel slighted, sometimes I mess up.
For whatever reason, my way is just not meshing with the community affectionately know as “The Army”. I’m weary of feeling like I have to hold myself in check during conversations, to not say what I want to say for fear it will be misconstrued. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s “them”, maybe it’s an equal amount of both; but it’s hindering my enjoyment. So what should I do? I don’t want to quit blogging about Richard! But it’s just a label you say, why not stick to your own blog and make a personal vow not to roam around quite so much anymore, to avoid the conversations and behaviors that are upsetting to you? I tried that, it didn’t work 😕 and really, that is just another form of sitting in the corner, isn’t it? Staying quiet, not bothering anybody, sacrificing who I am so that I can belong.
So this is why I feel that leaving the army, so to speak, is the wisest decision for me. I can still blog about Richard, still interact with others who want to stop by for a visit, still stroll through the fandom once in awhile as a visitor and find enjoyment in it. Maybe that reasoning makes me selfish, maybe I’m too sensitive and protective, maybe I’m over-dramatic, maybe I’m naive, maybe I’m bitter, maybe my ideals are too lofty; but maybe that’s just who I am. If I can continue to be who I am without burning all of my bridges, and still have Richard at the same time? I’m going to do it 😀
That is what “leaving the Army” means to me. some of it is about “them”, but most of it is about me. As a civilian I can be friends with whomever I choose, no matter which side of the fence they are on. As a civilian I can make mistakes, regret them, and try to correct them without fear of permanent dishonor. As a civilian I can protect and defend without being chastised for what it is I deem important. As a civilian I can just be. No conspiracies, no lies, no spies, no competing regiments, no shaming, no blaming.
Just Harry, and Thorin, and all the Johns. Lucas, and Guy, the Philips and Paul. Ricky, and Alec, and the soon to be Gary. Lee and Claude, and Percy and Heinz…and Richard. Interview Richard and Photoshoot Richard, Method Richard, and Autograph Richard, Witty Richard, and Dorky Richard, Laughing Richard, and Bashful Richard, Geeky Richard and Friendly Richard, Quiet Richard and Flirty Richard…you get the idea 😉
I don’t want to end up like Porter, or Lucas, or Guy. I’d rather be Harry instead…
Geraldine: Imagine bumping into you again!
Harry: Yeah. Well, it’s a small village.
Harry: I was just going on a stroll to, Nowhere in Particular.
Geraldine: Well, what a coincidence! because Nowhere in Particular, is exactly where I was heading!
Harry: Right! Good to get some exercise!