The Facts of Life

Blog Introspection Challenge

10.) What do you find most difficult/challenging about blogging?

Well, I could say it’s finding topics to blog about, or finding the right gifs/captions to use, or learning techie things to better format posts, and all of that would be true. but what I find most challenging about blogging, is operating within the confines of a community. I feel shitty for saying that, but it’s true. 

excuse me while I crawl under this bench...
excuse me, while I crawl under this bench

 

I get along well with individuals or small groups of individuals but large groups become more difficult. in my off-line life it’s the crowd aspect that bothers me, too many bodies within one space with too much stimulation all at once (noise, touch, smell, sight,etc.). 

letting others go first is not me being polite, it's me guarding my personal space
letting others go first is not me being polite, it’s me guarding my personal space

 

online it’s similar somewhat in regards to stimulation but more that it’s harder for me to compartmentalize a large group, to place people into categories. I do this, subconsciously, so that I’m better prepared to deal with any given situation/conversation. I can better control my reactions to “stimuli” if I know what I’m going into beforehand. 

wait, that wasn't in the script...
that wasn’t in the script…

I generally have certain expectations about the fandom and it’s members, even though I’ve only actually interacted with a small portion of them and so when they don’t act according to how I expect them to act, it throws me off my axis. this causes me to pessimistically think the fandom as a whole feels the same way about certain issues, thinks the same way, i.e. the opposite from me. in individuals or small groups I relish the differences, I’m able to appreciate and learn from them, but in a large group the differences make me feel like I don’t belong or am in the wrong place. it’s a constant push and pull inside my head. 

come closer...that's close enough
come closer…that’s close enough

 

all of this makes me wary of “community”, how much of myself can I safely put out there around the fandom? how wise is it to let myself get involved with joint efforts, movements, continuing conversations and debates across various platforms, etc. I’ve come to these conclusions through much trial and error. this is why I say I’m pulling back but then I show up all over the place. I say I’m leaving the Army but then I organize a community project. I say I’m going to keep quiet but then I talk rather loudly. I know I contradict myself, it’s a trait of mine that I will freely admit to!

tumblr_n3b3pkuvm21qlhck1o1_250

just know that it’s not you, it’s me. if you see me out there mingling and then I suddenly go quiet and never leave my blog for ages it’s just me destressing from too much stimulation. I might venture out again soon or I might not, there’s really no rhyme or reason to it most of the time. I don’t like crowds but I do like people, it’s just a fact of life.

When the world never seems 
to be livin up to your dreams 
And suddenly you’re finding out 
the facts of life are all about you.

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8 thoughts on “The Facts of Life

  1. *Kermit cheering because TOOTIE!!!*

    I get what you mean. Sometimes you mesh with everyone and sonetimes you don’t. I think most of us are like that. I’m glad you work through it and write.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I don’t think you need to feel shitty about it at all…it’s just another part of the ebb and flow (I may or may not have designed a t-shirt that says “I hate people” in Latin)

    I really don’t hate people, but I do hate the sensation of losing myself in the crowd, or being forced to mediate. Some days…or weeks…it’s just easier to fly solo, and that’s ok too! The upside of the community is that there’s almost always someone there with a “welcome back”

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    1. “losing myself”, exactly! a lot of the time I feel like I’m losing myself, getting caught up in whatever is deemed exciting that week. if I don’t think it’s all that exciting or I feel slightly different about it, I don’t want to put a damper on anyone else’s fun but I want to be part of things too so maybe I convince myself that it really is exciting. then I chastise myself later for being a sheep.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This post is well observed, I find. I almost never feel in synch with the community, although I have tried to disguise that fact at times, and that is something that contributes to the difficulty of blogging for me. I’m getting better, though, I think, at judging the points at which I want to publicly out of synch and those at which I want to be silent.

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    1. it is definitely an ongoing learning experience. I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out but hopefully I can come to a point where I’m okay with that fact.

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  4. That’s a lovely, honest post, Kelly. I am very much with you on all that you write there. I think it is extra difficult being a part of a community that is as vague and virtual as an online community of fans. It is constantly changing, there seems to be very little influence by the individual within the community, and the written communication too often leads to misunderstanding. I suppose it is all about finding one’s own approach to being a member of an online community… (I am struggling with that all the time.)
    However, I don’t really think there is anything wrong with changing your mind about your level of participation. You don’t have to justify yourself and your blogging activities to anyone. As long as it gives you pleasure, it’s all good 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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