10.) What do you find most difficult/challenging about blogging?
Well, I could say it’s finding topics to blog about, or finding the right gifs/captions to use, or learning techie things to better format posts, and all of that would be true. but what I find most challenging about blogging, is operating within the confines of a community. I feel shitty for saying that, but it’s true.
excuse me, while I crawl under this bench
I get along well with individuals or small groups of individuals but large groups become more difficult. in my off-line life it’s the crowd aspect that bothers me, too many bodies within one space with too much stimulation all at once (noise, touch, smell, sight,etc.).
letting others go first is not me being polite, it’s me guarding my personal space
online it’s similar somewhat in regards to stimulation but more that it’s harder for me to compartmentalize a large group, to place people into categories. I do this, subconsciously, so that I’m better prepared to deal with any given situation/conversation. I can better control my reactions to “stimuli” if I know what I’m going into beforehand.
that wasn’t in the script…
I generally have certain expectations about the fandom and it’s members, even though I’ve only actually interacted with a small portion of them and so when they don’t act according to how I expect them to act, it throws me off my axis. this causes me to pessimistically think the fandom as a whole feels the same way about certain issues, thinks the same way, i.e. the opposite from me. in individuals or small groups I relish the differences, I’m able to appreciate and learn from them, but in a large group the differences make me feel like I don’t belong or am in the wrong place. it’s a constant push and pull inside my head.
come closer…that’s close enough
all of this makes me wary of “community”, how much of myself can I safely put out there around the fandom? how wise is it to let myself get involved with joint efforts, movements, continuing conversations and debates across various platforms, etc. I’ve come to these conclusions through much trial and error. this is why I say I’m pulling back but then I show up all over the place. I say I’m leaving the Army but then I organize a community project. I say I’m going to keep quiet but then I talk rather loudly. I know I contradict myself, it’s a trait of mine that I will freely admit to!
just know that it’s not you, it’s me. if you see me out there mingling and then I suddenly go quiet and never leave my blog for ages it’s just me destressing from too much stimulation. I might venture out again soon or I might not, there’s really no rhyme or reason to it most of the time. I don’t like crowds but I do like people, it’s just a fact of life.
When the world never seems to be livin up to your dreams And suddenly you’re finding out the facts of life are all about you.
“Words”, because it’s stupid! It’s in line with the type of thing that I would send to those who have known me forever and are used to my dorky ways. I’m not sure some of my readers were ready for that yet.
*awkward*
Sometimes I will send e-mails where I only communicate with song lyrics, or I make everything rhyme. one time I sent my pen-pal a ransom note, complete with text cut from magazines, requesting payment in chocolate if he ever wanted to hear from me again. I’ve sent fake telegrams, memos, and corresponded through fake personal assistants–like Richard’s “Spooksperson”.
MTB. I keep telling you.
so when I was experiencing writing block and feeling dissatisfied with the atmosphere around me, I reverted back to that way of communicating-without-really-saying-anything, including annoyingly long children’s song lyrics (with random words of my own thrown in) because I felt like I had to post something. I really just wanted to post gifs of Harry. next time I’ll try to listen to that first instinct. well, maybe not the first instinct; safer to stick with the second.
⭐ if you haven’t read Richard’s interview with Cybersmile yet, go dew it! it’s very much in line with my way of thinking and a welcome reminder of why I continue to admire this man.
Some posts are more difficult to put together than others depending on the gifs/pics that I use. for this question though I wanted to focus on a post that was difficult to write for emotional reasons. after sifting back through blog titles to remind myself of the different things I’ve written about, “Welcome Home” jumped out at me as being particularly difficult to write.
In this post I was focusing on Spooks characters Lucas North and Adam Carter in episode 1 of season 7. I tried to elaborate upon the theme that Adam understood what Lucas was going through, from personal experience. he knew what it was like to be held prisoner (though the time span differed greatly) and he could appreciate the struggles that Lucas was experiencing as he tried to reinsert himself into not only the seemingly simple role as citizen but also his previous life in MI-5.
I get emotional about Lucas during the best of times
heartstrings
but this aspect of his story garners the most empathy from me. I mentioned the “Welcome Home” greeting that military veterans sometimes use with one another upon meeting. I’ve seen my father give this greeting and it chokes me up because I think about how difficult it must have been for the Vietnam Vets to serve their country (sometimes against their will) and then be greeted with hostility and contempt upon arriving home. and so I always relate that to Lucas: how very much he sacrificed for his country, with no recognition, how he was handled with kid gloves and essentially assigned a babysitter.
Adam’s initial handshake upon meeting Lucas for the first time, runs deeper for me than just a simple welcome. so it was hard to find the right balance to convey the depth of what I wanted to say without getting too weighed down in politics or emotions.
That would be“H is for Honesty”. it came about during a time when I was feeling frustrated with the atmosphere in the corner of the fandom that I spent my time in. instead of addressing those issues in a forthright manner, I chose the passive-aggressive route instead.
oh, I didn’t mean you. I meant all the other people who do that…
I wanted to talk about my frustrations, having an inkling that there were others out there that shared them with me, but I was afraid to draw attention to any one issue for fear of the negative reactions that were sure to come with it. so I just lumped several of them together in one post, hiding behind sarcasm, in the hopes that others would start the conversations that I needed to have in the comment section.
‘sup?..good..good…funny you should say that because…
it didn’t exactly work out that way. I had angered a particular blogger with something that I said and she let me know it. others came to my defense, while still others tried to be the voice of reason and point out why that blogger had gotten upset. it was unfortunate because it led to other incidents within the fandom that tore us all apart for awhile. I feel that it had to happen and it was the beginning of a potent learning experience for me, so I can’t regret it completely. I’m a better person for having had those experiences and I’ve gotten to know that particular blogger in a way that I probably never would have otherwise.
things aren’t always what they seem…there’s more than you could ever know behind the scenes
When I see how popular that post still is with readers, I just have to sigh and let it be. I understand the curiosity, I’ve sifted through old posts and followed links to find the skeletons in this fandom’s closet myself from time to time–it gives a better understanding of where the lines are drawn in certain sections of the community and why. I don’t like when it’s used as ammunition for scapegoating though, piling things on someone’s back that doesn’t rightly belong there in order to justify feelings about something or someone. I’m not going to preach about “getting along” and “being nice” because we all have reasons for doing what we do and saying what we feel must be said.
dude, why you actin like ya gotta stick up yo ass?
sometimes the only way out is through: we need to go through a certain set of circumstances in order to get to where we need to be. I implored others to “say what you want to say” in that post, to not be afraid to speak up. my opinion on that still holds true.
The post that seems to get viewed the most on this blog concerns Richard’s messages to the fans, “My Baby Just Wrote Me a Letter”. It makes me happy that this is the one that everyone comes back to (or views for the first time) because I have a special place in my heart for those fan messages. I didn’t discover them myself until my fascination with Richard was well underway but when I viewed them for the first time, I fell…
“a huge thank you to everyone for those Birthday Greetings, however if you could either reduce the font size when you print 35 to something completely illegible, or just say early 30’s that would be great”
They’ve become the basis for who I think Richard is, apart from his film roles and professional life. They show a considerate, friendly man with a sense of humor that I adore. he chose to acknowledge every gift that was sent to him, making it clear how grateful he was for the support that his fans gave him.
“I will be so ‘well read’, drunk, fat, warm and sweet smelling thanks to your generosity.”
Richard tried to mix things up a bit with playful scenarios that related to what he was filming at the moment, and his sentiments always made it seem like he was talking to a group of close friends. I may not have been around at that time but somehow I feel that I was included in the group of friends that he was writing to. My baby just wrote me a letter, and I will go back to it again and again when I want to feel close to him.
I have horses to ride, outlaws to capture and torture to inflict!!!
Nowhere in Particular RA 