Take Me to Church

I had a dream last night that Richard Armitage was the new priest at my childhood church.

Jesus does love me!

 

My overall impression of him was that his voice was lovely, as was his demeanor, but his hands were far too distracting. I couldn’t wait until the end of Mass so that I could get a handshake from him!

sure to be a Heavenly experience

 

It had been awhile since the last time I was in that church so my eyes kept wandering. The awful gold lamay wall covering had been replaced with wallpaper that depicted “danger sports”. Images of bungee jumping and drag racing were there alongside the Stations of the Cross. Hmm. I’m all for moving forward with the times but that was a bit much.

let Jesus take the wheel!

 

I tried to subtly look up at the ceiling, because that’s where my eyes spent a lot of their time as a child, and I was upset to see that the wooden beams were covered with a drop-ceiling. There used to be a triangular crossbeam that I always imagined Jesus sitting on, swinging his feet in bliss, while I had to suffer through the sermons. And now it was gone. What the hell, Peter Jackson?! Peter was the one funding my little hometown church, so he was responsible for the changes. Speaking of which, he was currently over there in the adjoining pew, punching an inflatable beach ball around like they do at concerts.

 

Okay, Mass was now over and so I went to collect my husband (I have no idea why he wasn’t sitting with me) but he was engulfed in reading The Hobbit. He was sitting in the second row. “I hope you weren’t reading that during the Sermon!” I said. “What if Richard saw you?”

 

My husband just shrugged his shoulders and ignored me. At this point we’re the last ones in the church and I’ve missed my chance to shake Richard’s hand. Maybe if we’re quick enough, we can still catch him at the bottom of the stairs.

Men of God have fangirls too

 

Husband starts moving towards the side entrance, which would bypass the stairs. I tell him that I don’t want to go that way but he says he’s just getting his shoes. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that all shoes come off at the door. Another one of PJ’s forward thinking changes.

 

It’s then that my husband notices someone had switched out his shoes. He was left with a similar black pair, though the worse for wear, but missing the kick-ass red and orange flames of his own shoes. (I should mention that my husband is a very conforming sort of fellow who would never read in church or wear flame emblazoned shoes) This means that we’ll now be going down to the church Hall for refreshment hour in order to find his missing shoes.

more Heavenly experiences to come

 

Normally I would be angry at this turn of events but this will give me another chance to shake Richard’s hand! I hope he doesn’t have them full of Girl Scout cookies…

 

I’d Do Anything for Love(but I won’t do that)

Last night I had a dream that my parents and I, while on vacation somewhere in the southwest, found ourselves eating in the same little run-down restaurant as Clint Eastwood. He was sitting in a booth across the deserted dusty room.

should I tell him that this is a non-smoking establishment?

My Dad, completely out of character, went into fanboy mode and was bursting at the seams to go over and talk to Clint. When he came back to our table, he brought with him several small bowls of food. Apparently in my dreamworld one did not get autographs from the celebrities they admired but rather food from their plates… plates they have been eating from.

now that’s just unsanitary!

My Dad had a sample of the salsa Mr.Eastwood was enjoying and my Mom had some of his drink, while I was lucky enough to get a scoop of his mashed potatoes. The same mashed potatoes that he was currently licking off his fork.

thanks for the offer but I can chew my own food

What was I supposed to do with his food, treasure it? Freeze it, only bringing it out on special occasions? I like Mr. Eastwood and all but I was at a loss. My Dad, getting embarrassed and annoyed with me because Clint was watching from across the room, told me I was supposed to eat it. So I mixed it around with my fork and took a bite, smiling and waving to Clint, while trying not to cringe at the thought that I was eating his saliva.

oh, was that a piece of tortilla chip too? yummy!

Richard, if I ever meet you while dining out, just acknowledging that I exist will be fine. Maybe even a handshake or hug if I’m really lucky, but please don’t make me eat after you. That is where I draw the line.

we shall see. we shall see…

When You Dream

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Are they color or black and white,
Yiddish or English
or languages not yet conceived?
Are they silent or boisterous?
Do you hear noises just
loud enough to be perceived?

Richard doesn’t count sheep, he counts fangirls

I dream of film-making conventions…

I was working at a film-makers convention and MarieAstra was my boss. She even had a snazzy pin-stripped pants suit  to prove it.  The gods were smiling down on us that day, because we were responsible for escorting Richard.

Miss, you’re cutting off the circulation in my arm

The dream opened with us on our way to a specific location within the convention building. There were partitions set up and displays of equipment and whatnot all over the place. Richard kept getting distracted, stopping to look at things, like it was a museum.

we drool over Richard, he drools over film equipment

He would remark how genius something was and I would just smile and politely nod my head; I was walking next to Richard FREAKING Armitage and I was at a loss for words.

 

 

At one point we walked through a section that had homemade posters on the wall that high school kids had made depicting old movies. I wanted to say something about how refreshing it is to see that kids these days are still familiar with the classics, but that sounded stupid in my head: like we’re old and grey, talking about those young whippersnappers! Ugh.

 

in my day we changed the television channel by a dial, hence the term “turn the channel”

Marie was ahead of us but finally came back to see why we were such slow pokes. While Richard was admiring something, she whispered to me and asked how I was doing. I said fine, if “fine” meant not being able to speak and just laughing at everything that he said like a schoolgirl. we reached our destination, so I said good-bye to Richard for the time being, while he did whatever it was that he was supposed to be doing (sign autographs? I have no idea), until I came back later to escort him again.

don’t wander off like that again, Mr. Armitage, you had us worried!

I’m not sure what I was supposed to be doing

but I stopped by a Lord of the Rings booth to look around.

shh! don’t tell Marie

I knew it would be way too expensive but I wanted to look anyway. I got all disgusted that half of the merchandise wasn’t even official, just random wizards and dragons. Don’t advertise that you’re a Lord of the Rings seller when you’re not!

 

language, Mister!

So now it was time to go back and get Richard. He had free time after engagements so we were wandering around. Thankfully I had gotten my voice back and we were chatting away with no problem. Suddenly he spotted Orlando Bloom (who looked more like “Jay” from Jay and Silent Bob, than Orlando) at one of the booths and became quite animated.

***edited for content***

They had a secret game of tag going on, so he didn’t want Orlando to spot him. This is when Richard put his arm around me and pretended that we were a couple to keep Orlando from noticing him. OH! I liked this game!!

 

can we play “Doctor” next?

Orlando did spot us though and was trying to make his way towards us, so Richard ushered us further into the crowd. We accidentally knocked over a display of Saltine crackers (why were they selling crackers at a film convention?) because we had an unspoken agreement not to let go of one another, even though it wasn’t necessary anymore. We were both a bit giddy at this point and I started singing a song about tiptoeing through the crackers, totally off key.

 

Were we drunk?

Or just high on life?

 

 

We continued to wander around the convention, which seemed like a big maze, enjoying all it had to offer; while also keeping an eye out for Orlando, who would pop up every so often and spot us again. The day was winding down and we found ourselves in a little out of the way booth, looking at head-mounted cameras. I was trying the different ones on, in a serious manner, giving the pros and cons of each. When I looked up, Richard had the sweetest softest smile on his face. I gave him one in return and then we slowly…

 

WARNING: Husband, if you’re reading this

 

 

…moved towards each other

for a kiss.

 

 

He had one hand holding the back of my head

while the other was on my waist

almost exactly like this, except I had a camera mounted on my head

*Le sigh*

 

 THE END.

Slightly Off Topic

I had a dream last night that I lived in a run down little town out in the middle of nowhere. I had just stepped inside the dingy and dark carryout to get a carton of eggs. a local police officer met me just inside the door and I told him what I was there for. behind him the front of the store was draped in sheets of plastic and a female in a pristine white lab coat was typing away on a computer. the officer said I had to wait my turn because someone was still in the back where the food was. that part of the store couldn’t be seen, it was all boarded up. suddenly a man came running out of the door yelling “it moved! one of them moved!” as the door swung shut I caught a glimpse of a dismembered, bloody leg laying on one of the food shelves.

*I think I know where this is going…*

the officer laughed at the man and told him to calm down; it wasn’t even noon yet, they wouldn’t be moving. the man was having none of it, and fled the store. I was up next and tried to plead with the officer to go for me, or at least go with me. he was more sympathetic with me than with the man who had just left but told me that wasn’t the deal: the food was free as long as we took the risk to get it ourselves. I hesitated and looked toward the lab assistant who had stopped typing and was watching me. did I really need eggs this badly? the next town with a store was 30 miles away and I had no car. I would have to make arrangements to have someone drive me, which would cost money

*I’m sure Dishy-Dick would do it for free*

here, I could hold out until I absolutely needed something and then walk to the store and get it for free, as long as the food lasted. the shelves were pretty sparse so I knew I’d have to figure out something soon regardless. I gathered up my courage

*she’s not really going in there, is she?…I think she is!*

and walked through the door. my strategy was to move straight to what I needed, eyes ahead, grab it and leave. I spotted the freezer at the back of the room through the dusty light that was seeping in from the cracks in the boarded up window. I moved towards it quickly and grabbed the carton of eggs; I noticed that it was the last one. I checked the expiration date, trying to calculate how old they actually were and if it would still be okay to use them, when I heard a shuffling sound behind me.

I froze.

slowly I turned around and saw two bloody zombies moving towards the door I had just come through. then I saw a third right beside me, starring at me curiously with it’s jaw missing,

I dropped the carton of eggs…and woke up.

*shh, it’s over now*

and that was the dream I had after only watching a commercial for the Walking Dead, do you see why I don’t watch it?!

p.s. I usually don’t eat eggs but today after church the boy scouts were making omelets. curiously I was really craving one…

STAY IN THE HOUSE, KARL!!!