Subconsciously Speaking

While cleaning out my drafts folder the other day, I found a few dreams about Richard that I had written down but never shared. and since all dreams of Richard should be shared, I give you ‘3 dreams of Richard Armitage’.


dream no. 1

Richard was my neighbor for the summer.

you kids get off my lawn!
you kids get off my lawn!

he lived in a duplex down the street, while he was in the area filming. it was a residential community and practically the whole block was milling about at a fellow neighbor’s yard sale that day. I started walking back home with some others, Richard trailing not far behind. my grandmother lived across the street, and she was outside struggling with something that she was putting out on the curb for pick-up day. Richard stopped to help her and she kept commenting on how young and fit he was, squeezing his biceps in the process. then he bent over and well,

my, what a firm tushie you have, young man!

I was laughing so hard I almost fell down in the street! Richard heard me cackling, which caused him to start laughing as well. he finished up with Grandma, while I tried to compose myself, and then the two of us continued to walk along together. we were talking intently about the novel he was currently filming an adaptation of, as we arrived at his door. he touched my bare shoulder in response to something I had said and then left his hand there, kind of moving it around in a soothing flirty way.


as he pulled away to unlock his door, the college student next door who was visiting on an exchange program, appeared and fought for my attention. I had no idea what she was saying but it seemed like she wanted to show me something. I looked at Richard with pleading eyes (he knew how enthusiastic this girl could be) but he just smiled and said to come over when she was finished with me. then we kind of just goofily smiled at each other, before the girl was able to pull me forcefully from the spot and through her door.


the rest of the dream was me trying to get back to Richard while the girl kept dragging me to and fro around her house, showing me things and forcing me to engage in polite conversation with her roommates. Richard freaking Armitage is waiting for me next door, I do not care about your shower curtain!



dream no. 2

I was a teacher and taking my students on our first field trip to a local wildlife refuge area. Christian Bale and his family lived on the property.

one of the students got lost, but the more we pieced things together it seemed like she might have actually been taken by someone. great, my first outing and one of my students gets kidnapped!

so inconvenient!
so inconvenient

I went to Christian’s house to ask for his help, thinking he would know some of the out-of-the-way places that we hadn’t checked yet. he was very helpful and ended up finding the missing little girl. after the whole ordeal was over and I was leaving his house (all the kids had been picked up by their parents at this point) I encountered Richard, digging a trench in the backyard.

Mr. DIY, at your service!
Mr. DIY, at your service!

he was installing drain pipe, as a favor to Christian. I didn’t even know that he knew Christian. Richard and I were really good friends, but had been avoiding each other since the day I boldly declared my love for him and tried to kiss him. what followed was some awesome dialogue, that probably wasn’t so very awesome but dream me thinks it was and real me can’t remember much of it, so we’ll just pretend that it was Oscar worthy.


I do remember that Richard asked me to further explain my feelings for him. things got really sappy as I proceeded to tell him everything I admired about him (kind of like I do on this blog…) then I asked him how he felt about me in return, to which he answered with a heartfelt ‘When Harry Met Sally type of speech’, “I love that you’re the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night” etc.


then why the hell have we been avoiding each other?! I went off on a little rant then, which was abruptly stopped by Richard kissing me. we pulled back and looked at each other, surprised, then I attacked him! with tongue and teeth and everything else, until I knocked him flat on his back in the dirt.

what can I say? I'm passionate when it comes to Richard!
I’m passionate about Richard


dream no. 3 

the dream opens with me running into a guy named Trevor, in the town square. we got to talking about a dinner party that my landlady was set to host that evening and Trevor was chiding me to just get over myself and attend, for once. I had a push-pull kind of relationship with my landlady. sometimes we got along well, while other times I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with her. I had never attended the dinner parties that she routinely hosted for her society friends because I thought they were snooty and boring, so I lied and said I had other plans.

sorry, I can't tonight. I have to objectify male celebrities online
sorry, I can’t tonight. I have to objectify male celebrities online

I told Trevor I knew I was acting like a putz and I should probably just swallow my pride and get with the program. I was very lonely, living in a new town far from home, but wanted to appear like I had it all together and that nothing affected me. it had gone on long enough though, and I was ready to bite the bullet and attend. this pleased Trevor, not only because I would finally be attending one of the parties but also because there was someone he wanted to try and set me up with but didn’t have a place for us to meet in a no-pressure setting. Trevor was a hopeless romantic and it seemed to really bother him that I wasn’t dating. it’s not that I didn’t want to date, I was just kind of bad at it.


when I got back to the house, I decided to peek into the back windows by the kitchen to see if I could spot LL(landlady). I still needed to psych myself up for attending the party, get in the right headspace, but if I ran into LL then she’d want me to help prepare for the party and I wouldn’t have any time to myself beforehand. I was on the back deck and if I tried to turn around now and enter the house a different way, she would see me. so I decided to quit being a basket case and just go in. painful small talk ensued wherein I complimented her outfit, which was dressier than usual. she said Trevor was inviting someone to the party that he hoped he could fix her up with. well, that was odd, didn’t he tell me that I was the one he hoped this man would hit it off with? LL was only a few years older than me, but we would not attract the same type of men. I was standing there in jeans, a white t-shirt and black leather jacket, after all.

Ricky approves.
Ricky approves!

the party had begun and a few of the guests were there already. I was feeling very out of place and was wondering when Trevor would show up. the guests were nice enough, but so not my crowd. the doorbell rang and since LL was in the middle of telling a story, I went to answer it for her. on the other side of the door was Richard, and we had a “moment” as I opened the door and invited him inside.

you had me at "Hello"
you had me at Hello

who was this handsome man and how the heck did he know my pretentious landlady?! when I introduced myself he laughed and said he was confused because I was not how Trevor described the host of the party. oh, okay, this was Trevor’s friend. so he was going to chum up to LL then? odd choice of Trevor, and a bummer for me because I really found him attractive. he seemed more my kind of people, maybe Trevor was trying to get her out of her comfort zone? 

we moved into the party and I introduced him to everyone. while he was talking to LL, I slipped into the kitchen to put his food offering with the others. I was alone, when Trevor patted my shoulder to get my attention. he asked me what I thought of Richard and why I had left him out there looking all forlorn. what? I said I liked Richard fine, better than fine, but he was here for LL. that sent Trevor into a laughing fit which ended with him chastising me, asking what kind of matchmaker I thought he was. I was very confused now! Trevor explained that he had invited a different man for LL but he had to cancel. when Trevor found out I was actually coming tonight, he invited Richard. I peeked out into the sitting room and saw LL flirting with Richard, hand on his thigh, and he trying to remain polite and interested in what she was saying. Richard saw Trevor and I peeking and raised his eyebrows, I held up my finger for “one minute” and ducked back behind the wall with Trevor. I slapped Trevor and said LL thinks Richard is here for her! he said he’d straighten it out, in the meantime I should go rescue Richard.

don't make any sudden movements...
don’t make any sudden moves!

the rest of the party had Richard and I sticking to each other like glue, whether it be beside each other sitting on the sofa or standing around the kitchen island, we were chatting up a storm. Trevor had straightened out LL in regards to the matchmaking mix-up but she was not to be deterred, she was attracted to Richard and was miffed that he seemed to be smitten with me. so while were were trying to stay engaged in the general conversation with her other guests, she started taunting me and trying to make me look bad in front of everyone. teasing me about some of the social faux pas I had made when I first moved in and casually mentioning conversations we had where I didn’t know who the state senator was or how to pronounce local street names, etc. the climax was when she mentioned that I didn’t have a career but had decided to wander like a vagrant instead. ouch. I tried to politely excuse myself and retreated to the kitchen, then outside on the deck before I cried in front of everyone.

it's Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
it’s pronounced,  Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!

I was sitting on the floor of the deck, in my bare feet. Richard sat down beside me and gently put his hand on my shoulder, rubbing and squeezing a bit to try and comfort me. I raised my head and looked at him. I finally found someone who I could feel comfortable with and she tried to sabotage it! he seemed to read my thoughts as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear saying, “two strangers in a strange land, that’s you and me. I’m so glad I met you tonight”


this started up a conversation about his time there, me guessing where he grew up from his accent, and what I was doing here (LL wasn’t far off the mark with her wandering statement) others started trickling out onto the deck, so we got up off the ground and moved to some chairs. the other guests were being a lot nicer to me then they were before, smiling softly when they saw how attentive Richard was being to me, as we shared a bowl of his homemade pudding.

no caption needed

after most of the guests had left and a few were still lingering, LL finally came out, strode over to me, and asked for my house key. she was kicking me out? everyone was stunned. Trevor’s eyes were wider than anyone’s! I incredulously asked what was going on and she said I had over stayed my welcome. oh no. I have nowhere to go, not enough money to stay on my own! Trevor said I could stay on his couch until I figured something out (he lived with his partner in a studio flat, not ideal) I numbly nodded my head. Richard had been very quiet throughout the confrontation and I was afraid to look at him, feeling embarrassed and lost all over again. when I did look though, he was seething! gone was the polite gentleman and in his place was my fierce protector.

oh, the bitchface! shit just got real.
oh, the bitchface! shit just got real

he ushered me away, telling Trevor that I was going to stay in his spare room. as he continued to rant to Trevor about LL’s behavior, I was just standing there in my bare feet, starting to shake from shock. Richard picked my shoes up off the ground and handed them to me as he placed his suit jacket around my shoulders. when we had walked around the front of the house, Richard stopped and asked if I was going to put my shoes on to cross the road to his car. I blinked away the shock and gently teased that he had to follow the knight in shining armor routine clear to the end, and carry me to his steed. he laughed and blushed a little, then swept me up into his arms. I gave him a sweet kiss on the cheek and internally swooned my hero.


The End.


Ugly Sweaters and Awkward Silences


I was attending an event in celebration of The Hobbit films.  it was taking place in a small pub and I was sitting in a large booth with an array of fandom friends. some members of the cast came walking through, shaking hands with fans, as they moved to the front of the room where each shared a personal anecdote about working on the films. my friends and I became excited. they wondered if Richard would stop at our table, while I was more interested in the story he might tell the audience. when Richard did walk through, he had his parents with him and they moved down the line quickly, like it was a red carpet. and it kind of was, because cameras were flashing and it was a bit chaotic.


Richard turned around and made a point to walk back through to interact with fans. I started to get nervous. what if Richard stopped at our table? I was on the fence about whether I wanted that to happen or not. I was seated on the inside end of the booth, so I doubted he would interact with me anyway. as it turned out, he didn’t stop at our table, but his mother did. she was more social and upbeat than I thought she would be. Guylty was sitting next to me, and Richard’s mom took a liking to the sweater she was wearing.  it was, umm…not really something I would choose to wear myself.


Richard’s mom loved the sweater and so the two of them started talking about knitting and technique,etc. but they were speaking in German. soon the conversation took on a lighter tone and I realized that Richard’s mom was including me in the discussion. I had no idea what she was saying, so I timidly smiled while trying to make subtle eye contact with Guylty, hoping she would help me out. she didn’t, because she had a sick sense of humor and enjoyed watching me squirm! I continued to nod along, hoping Mama Armitage would move on soon and put me out of my misery.

No! I think I might faint...
No! I think I might faint

suddenly Mrs. A’s smile faded and she looked at me with a frown on her face. oh, no! what did I just nod my head to? I looked around the table, not knowing what to do. the rest of you were no help, no help at all! starting to sweat bullets, I nervously blurted “Guylty smokes cigarettes!” Richard’s mom snapped her head back towards Guylty, while Guylty stomped on my foot under the table (that hurt!) luckily, Richard’s Dad came round then to usher his wife forward, so the event could continue. and our table became deathly quiet.

*awkward silence*
*awkward silence*

none of us knew what to say. each of us were looking down at the table, over our shoulders, anywhere but at each other. I tried to break the ice and said, “let’s just use the toilet and leave!” we let out a collective breath and then all started giggling. Dean O’Gorman happened to be telling a story at that moment and thought we were laughing at him. he gave our table a chin nod and wink


which sent us all into another round of laughter! mixed in with a few swoons. or maybe that was just me.


I finally watched the last episode of Hannibal yesterday evening (no real spoilers ahead). I’ve been putting it off because I was afraid to see it end– fearing emotional overload or gore overload or both. the series is not something I would normally watch but I’m glad I had the experience of watching it. I wouldn’t say I enjoyed the program itself exactly, the overall style wasn’t really to my liking, but I did enjoy seeing Richard stretch himself in the acting department. I can truthfully say that I was scared of him several times throughout the story. I’ve tried to resist spoilers as much as my curiosity would let me and I think I did well, all things considered (i.e.Tumblr) but I did see mentions of people raving about the finale, how emotional it was and how it was a fitting ending and how the song enhanced the scene, etc. etc. so I went in with expectations– never good for me–and came out sorely disappointed.


I did really like the scene with Reba and the locking of the door, but this post isn’t a review of the episode or the series, it concerns what happened after…yep, it’s dream time! early on, after only the second episode of Richard’s, I had a Stockholm Syndrome type dream starring Dolarhyde, myself, and his house–I have a bit of a crush on his house.

sweet dreams are made of this

I had yet to really experience Richard’s characterization of Dolarhyde, but the small glimpse I had seen caused me to have a very vivid dream that was equal parts scary and confusing, because of the loyalty I grew to feel towards him. Richard’s voice as Dolarhyde alone, really infused that character with a certain kind of depth that pulled me in like a magnet. and it was that feeling that dominated the dream I had last night as well, only this time it was much scarier and even more confusing. 


The beginning of the dream is a bit murky in my memory. it involved Dolarhyde and Hannibal chasing me, with Hannibal nipping at my ankles like a dog and Dolarhyde fending him off. Will was with me and we ducked into what we initially thought was a shopping mall but turned out to be a children’s school. we thought there would be enough people around to afford us some time to catch our breath and formulate some kind of plan. the next thing I knew, Hannibal, myself, and Dolarhyde (though he was more The Dragon at that point) were in a small, underused cafeteria. Dolarhyde was ready to be “changed” and he wanted Hannibal to talk him through it. I was scared shitless, just standing there hoping that I wouldn’t be forced to take part in any way. 


it seems as if Dolarhyde and I had cultivated a friendship at one time, during his struggle with the Dragon but before it had all escalated, and so I was upset that I was going to loose my friend. he was still in there somewhere, existing alongside the Dragon. Dolarhyde started removing the layers of clothing he was wearing. he tossed a sweater at my feet and I picked it up, hugged it to my chest, while giving it a nostalgic sniff. he saw me do this and stopped his movements. 


I became really scared, not knowing whether I had offended him or not. then he said, in his dark methodical voice, “you may wear the Dragon’s coverings, when you find the need”, like he was giving me permission and bestowing upon me a high honor. he beckoned Hannibal forward then and dismissed me, so I backed out of the room slowly.

shameless house porn disguised as reaction gif
shameless house porn disguised as reaction gif

I joined Will at the open doors, where he had been watching. the bell of the school rang, surprising Dolarhyde and unnerving him. Hannibal calmly told him that it was the school bell because we were in a school. then Hannibal started singing “Jesus loves the little children” and it was creepy as hell! Will and I looked at each other in a panic, not wanting the children to see what was about to happen, so we closed the doors to the room and stood guard. most of the kids moved along and didn’t pay us any mind but one boy stopped to look through the windows of the doors and exclaimed how cool the life-size anatomy model looked. as I was shooing him away he asked if he could touch the intestine. I looked at Will, horrified. I had avoided looking in the room myself but Will was watching and told me that Dolarhyde was willingly being disembowel by Hannibal. I stumbled out the doors of the building after that.


I desperately needed to decompress and get my head straight. I was feeling all kinds of conflicting emotions, horror and fear but also sadness and compassion, on top of a begrudging respect for the Dragon. I spotted a bench across the parking lot, located at the side of a maintenance garage, and so I started towards it. I was in a daze and nearly missed being hit by a car that was driving through the parking lot, when I noticed a man walking parallel to me. I weaved my path a bit to see if he would stick with me and he did. I glanced at the man and he was definitely not friendly.

excuse me, can you point me to the nearest Starbucks?
excuse me, can you point me to the nearest Starbucks?

I thought, “and the hits keep coming! I so do not need this right now!” the man scared me, uttering verses from the Book of Revelation about horsemen and angels, but he also made me very angry. I needed to mourn my friend, not deal with whatever brand of insanity this guy had going on! 


I purposefully put on the shirt that Dolarhyde had given me and then stopped walking, the man did too. he blankly stared at me as he pulled a book of matches from his pocket. I looked around and realized the pavement outside of the garage was covered in spilled gasoline and patches of rainbowed oil. as I turned back towards the man, he lit a match and dropped it. oh, it is ON now! I lunged at him and we fell to the ground wrestling. 

gunter glieben glauchen globen
gunter glieben glauchen globen

he was smaller in stature so he didn’t automatically overpower me but I was struggling. I finally got the upper hand and pinned him to the ground. this seemed amazing to me because I was not in particularly good shape and I had spent the whole day running from Hannibal. I felt like the shirt was giving me some sort of power, whether it be physical or only mental. 


it was difficult to keep the man subdued though so I screamed out for Will, hoping he was just inside the doors and could hear me. as the fire started to spread, I screamed out a second time, while emotionally trying to keep myself together because my anger had turned back to fear–I was about to lose it and just deconstruct on the spot. as a last ditch effort I called out to Hannibal, not particularly loud and kind of on the end of a sob. suddenly the man stopped struggling underneath me and I felt him lift his head as I had my face pushed into his back. he whispered an awed “fuck”. then I heard Hannibal ask calmly “you called, my dear?” …and then I woke up.


my heart was pounding and I felt like I was drowning in that vulnerable feeling you get after having a nightmare, but then I laughed to myself and thought “and that’s how a finale is done! #micdrop” 


(when you start dreaming in hashtags, maybe it’s time to back away from Twitter)


Bringing Back Socks with Sandals

My subconscious must be on board with me getting back into the “RA” swing of things because I had a dream about Richard last night.


my son and I were attending a community theatre event that Richard was taking part in. he did a read through of various classic pieces and then at the end, the organizers recognized Richard with a certificate of thanks. when he went to give his little speech though, he flubbed it up. but Richard being Richard, he made fun of himself, abandoned the speech he had written (which he randomly gave to an audience member) and then ad libbed the rest.


afterwards Richard was mingling with those in attendance. I was watching him but trying not to be obvious about it, which was hard to do with such a small group of people. Richard had put on some weight which made his face look rounder and he was sporting the beginnings of a mustache, hopefully for a role because it looked a bit odd on him. it was a casual event so he was dressed in jeans

YES! Funky Button Jeans, oh how I've missed you
Funky Button Jeans, oh how I’ve missed you.

and a plain t-shirt, but also the slip-on type of sports sandals that my son wears with socks. at least they were black and not blue. because it’s the color that would worry us…


as Richard walked by to talk to the group seated behind us, I tensed up and froze. my son thought this was amusing and so started teasing me about it, saying Richard and I are two peas in a pod because I would flub up anything I would try to say to him, just like he did with his speech. I think Richard heard us, because he spotted us laughing and then walked our way, stopping in front of us. don’t freak out! don’t freak out! 

we’re gonna be cool…like Fonzie

Richard comically raised his eyebrow at my son and made a teasing remark about recognizing his laughter from the speech mishap. then he joked that he meant to do it, wanting to teach the youth how to just keep going when they forget their lines. my face was starting to hurt because: schoolgirl giggling syndrome.


he then went on to ask how we were enjoying the event. I smiled as I elbowed my son and said that while Richard’s acting was enjoyable to watch, it was the fact that he chose to wear socks with his sandals that impressed my son the most. this got a hearty laugh from Richard, the kind that made his eyes twinkle and his whole face light up


throwing my son under the bus in order to get that reaction was totally worth it. Parenting tip: if your kid’s not embarrassed, you’re doing it wrong. The End.



because Guylty loves me, she threw down the blogging gauntlet and created a Challenge! you know it is impossible for me to resist answering challenge questions. this one is a little different because it’s actually about our blogs, the history of how we got started and what our most popular posts are, etc. it ties right in with my “looking back” theme and so I’m really excited about it. I hope other bloggers do it too, it could be a nice way for us to reconnect with each other. so keep an eye out for those questions here and other places around the blogosphere!

Nope Nope Nope

When Richard’s role as Francis Dolarhyde in the upcoming season of Hannibal was first announced, I was ambivalent.

seems he was serious about wanting to play the dragon
I guess he was serious about wanting to play the dragon


After reading up on the character I was uncertain that I would be able to dive into that kind of atmosphere as wholeheartedly as I might wish, due to my brain’s habit of over-thinking the psychological aspects of the storyline. I was right. After watching just two episodes of the series, the dreaded dreams did show up for an unwelcome visit.

off with you! you're not wanted here!
do not pass go. do not collect $200.


I turned to the original story in book form instead. I liked the feel of the book better than the television program (Will seemed less neurotic, for starters) but it opened me up to Francis in a way that was becoming uncomfortable, so I put that on the back burner as well.

I know you're there but I'm ignoring you.
I know you’re there but I’m ignoring you.


Then last week talk seemed to center around Francis again and it got me to thinking about the character, wondering if Richard’s portrayal would evoke sympathy from me and to what degree. And wouldn’t you know it, the dreams showed up again last night. One was dark but easy enough to push aside, the other though- not so much. It placed me in the role of Francis Dolarhyde, breaking into my real life house via the glass-cutting method, and concluding with the decision of where I should strike first: the children’s rooms or the master bedroom, where I could hear my own voice conversing with my husband behind the door…needless to say, I have been a jittery mess all day! This feeling of shadows jumping at my back was a constant in my life at one time; I am not enjoying the reunion.

I know some crazed killer is creeping around in the other room but I refuse to acknowledge his presence.
a crazed killer is creeping around in the other room but I refuse to acknowledge him.


So I think this is a clear indication that I will not be able to follow this particular role of Richard’s closely. And I’m bummed about that. I didn’t get to take part in The Crucible experience and now the thrill of Hannibal is going to pass me by as well.  I’ll still experience it through video clips and screen captures somewhat and Richard is bound to give interviews about it, along with the various posts and comments of fans sharing their reactions to it; I won’t be able to resist all of that! Maybe I can stay far enough removed from it to just enjoy it at face value? but, but, I love layers! *grumps* Here’s hoping that upcoming projects are more to my taste.


I know I’m not alone in sitting this one out. what will your approach be as the air date gets closer?