Richard Armitage has a right to do/say what he wants. so does every fan in this fandom, whether they are in agreement with his preferences or not.


When fans chastise other fans by saying ‘if you don’t like what Richard tweets, then don’t read it’, they should also turn that right back around to themselves: don’t like opposition to Richard? then don’t read complaints about him.

"when you point one finger, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you"
when you point one finger, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you

He’s a grown man and can take of himself. no shit, really?! I thought he was an 8 year old orphan with no one to look out for his well being. don’t I feel silly?

'can you walk me home, Ms.Hale? I can't cross the street by myself'
would you walk me home, Ms.Hale? I can’t cross the street by myself

Unwritten fandom rule: don’t speculate about Richard’s actions…unless you agree with them. if you sympathize with him, then feel free to offer up countless explanations about what may be going on in his life that could be influencing his mood. but if you don’t like what he’s doing, then you should just keep your mouth shut, because speculation is intrusive!

sexual fantasies involving his person? Allowed. analysis of his words? Prohibited!
sexual fantasies involving his person? Allowed. analysis of his words? Prohibited!

We did not elect anyone fandom president or sheriff, and do not have a set of official rules. because we are grown adults and can take care of ourselves.


So in summary: I am allowed to not like the way Richard handles his Twitter account. just as you are allowed to love it and not want to change a thing. let us respect each other.



I’d like to give a shout-out to fellow bloggers, Servetus and Perry, to show them some support. they keep us up to date on Richard’s career, doing countless hours of legwork, so that we don’t have to. and they give us a venue to voice our opinions, which is hard to come by in this fandom. all that goes into writing a blog post is time consuming. putting yourself out there when sharing an unpopular view, takes courage.


Ugly Sweaters and Awkward Silences


I was attending an event in celebration of The Hobbit films.  it was taking place in a small pub and I was sitting in a large booth with an array of fandom friends. some members of the cast came walking through, shaking hands with fans, as they moved to the front of the room where each shared a personal anecdote about working on the films. my friends and I became excited. they wondered if Richard would stop at our table, while I was more interested in the story he might tell the audience. when Richard did walk through, he had his parents with him and they moved down the line quickly, like it was a red carpet. and it kind of was, because cameras were flashing and it was a bit chaotic.


Richard turned around and made a point to walk back through to interact with fans. I started to get nervous. what if Richard stopped at our table? I was on the fence about whether I wanted that to happen or not. I was seated on the inside end of the booth, so I doubted he would interact with me anyway. as it turned out, he didn’t stop at our table, but his mother did. she was more social and upbeat than I thought she would be. Guylty was sitting next to me, and Richard’s mom took a liking to the sweater she was wearing.  it was, umm…not really something I would choose to wear myself.


Richard’s mom loved the sweater and so the two of them started talking about knitting and technique,etc. but they were speaking in German. soon the conversation took on a lighter tone and I realized that Richard’s mom was including me in the discussion. I had no idea what she was saying, so I timidly smiled while trying to make subtle eye contact with Guylty, hoping she would help me out. she didn’t, because she had a sick sense of humor and enjoyed watching me squirm! I continued to nod along, hoping Mama Armitage would move on soon and put me out of my misery.

No! I think I might faint...
No! I think I might faint

suddenly Mrs. A’s smile faded and she looked at me with a frown on her face. oh, no! what did I just nod my head to? I looked around the table, not knowing what to do. the rest of you were no help, no help at all! starting to sweat bullets, I nervously blurted “Guylty smokes cigarettes!” Richard’s mom snapped her head back towards Guylty, while Guylty stomped on my foot under the table (that hurt!) luckily, Richard’s Dad came round then to usher his wife forward, so the event could continue. and our table became deathly quiet.

*awkward silence*
*awkward silence*

none of us knew what to say. each of us were looking down at the table, over our shoulders, anywhere but at each other. I tried to break the ice and said, “let’s just use the toilet and leave!” we let out a collective breath and then all started giggling. Dean O’Gorman happened to be telling a story at that moment and thought we were laughing at him. he gave our table a chin nod and wink


which sent us all into another round of laughter! mixed in with a few swoons. or maybe that was just me.

Things We’re Afraid to Say

And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time~T.S. Eliot


I often find myself looking forward to a trip, not only for the adventure or escape, but also so that I can come home again and see my everyday surroundings in a different light. this brings to mind Bilbo, and how different things must have looked to him when he went back home to his Hobbit hole. I’ve always likened the whirlwind of finding Richard and becoming part of this fandom to Bilbo, at the beginning of The Hobbit: an unexpected journey, when he runs down the lane enthusiastically shouting “I’m going on an adventure!”



As I reached my two year anniversary of this blog in May and headed into my third year of following Richard Armitage, I vowed to spend some time looking back at the characters that Richard has portrayed, comparing my impressions of them. participating in the Blog Introspection Challenge played into the looking back theme nicely, encouraging me to peruse my blog posts and note how blogging itself had affected me over my span of time in the fandom. I had another occasion, recently, that found me looking back at things in a similar way. it caused me to create an outline of sorts that followed the timeline of my blog, highlighting certain events and thoughts for me to ponder. the process turned out to be an important part of my journey as a fan but very difficult. and lonely. because it touched upon things that are taboo to talk about in fandom. I feel as if I truly cannot move forward until I acknowledge it, because this blog was originally formed to recall my “fan path” and this struggle was part of the journey. I hope it can help others who may be struggling with something similar. 

you're not alone
no, no, no, you’re not alone


When I almost said goodbye and how it broke my heart

My readers may have sensed that something was going on with me. I was struggling- putting out less blog posts, hitting writer’s block walls, and just generally pulling away from everything fandom related. I assured everyone that I wasn’t quitting, just pulling back a bit, and that was true…until it wasn’t. when I hit rock bottom, I would go back to my Love Day post and try to push through the disheartening confusion. it was rough but I eventually made it through, with much soul searching and some help from a friend who was willing to hold candid conversations with me behind closed doors (thank you, friend!).



The fandom experience and how we see Richard meets an individual need for each of us. when that need starts to change, it can be confusing and scary. sometimes it’s morphing and evolving into something new, while other times it’s slowly being choked out. when you’re in the middle of it, it can be really hard to tell the difference. my struggle was a result of what I was no longer getting from the RA fan experience, the feeling of fulfillment as I bonded with the object of my affection. the issue that I just couldn’t seem to ignore any longer was Richard’s penchant for being a people-pleaser. it bothered me, and I felt guilty that it bothered me. I’m not one to just sit back and take things, I have a hard time not standing up for myself and others. knowing which battles to fight and making sacrifices for the greater good, are concepts I’ve had to learn through much trial and error.



I like to complain. cynical complaining is my favorite. Richard doesn’t complain much, does he? (at least not where we can see) he never seems to judge and he has loads of patience… he’s just so damn good, all of the time. how can I possibly emulate that? I try but I still have those “throwing chairs out windows” moments more often than I would like. in short, I was feeling like I wasn’t good enough.

the differing likes and dislikes between Richard and myself never really bothered me until this one thing did. then I started to take a closer look at those differences and began to wonder: are Richard and I too different? because of this, one of the actors I follow on the side started to move towards the forefront of my attentions. he is someone who seems all around more like me. he doesn’t reach me in the same way, deep down, that Richard does though. he hasn’t inspired me, both creatively and personally, like Richard has. but it was just easier. I suddenly found myself part of a triangle that I didn’t know how to get out of. now don’t get me wrong, a Richard Armitage/Jamie Dornan sandwich isn’t the worst possible place to be, but I had some issues to work through and I had to do it alone.

salami sandwiches are my favorite
salami sandwiches are my favorite

why? why can’t we mention other crushes or things we find less than desirable about Richard, without fear of reprimand? (sometimes harsh reprimand) what is up with this unspoken competition of who is the best fan, the truest fan? if someone doesn’t like a particular role that Richard took, didn’t feel his performance was all that, or doesn’t happen to like his choice of clothes/hair/personal likes and dislikes, why are they seen as  less of a fan?

I think as long as we’re polite, not constantly picking apart everything that Richard does, that some disagreement is healthy and can even be enlivening, and opening yourself up to different experiences by following other actors (if you so choose) can be enlightening. kind of like Bilbo, and the different way he saw the world after venturing away from his safe little Hobbit hole.



I’m reminded of a little incident I still get teased about from from time to time from my earlier life. when I was first dating my husband and he introduced me to his friends for the first time, they naturally wanted to know a bit more about me. as the questions of favorite music/bands/songs, etc started to feel more like a test, I replied with the now infamous line “I like what he likes”. as they got to know me better they discovered that although he and I do tend to have the same taste when it comes to certain things, it by no means encompasses everything. I have my own mind. do we have to like what Richard likes? do we have to behave as Richard does? do we need Richard’s approval in order to feel worthy? if I “like what Richard likes” all those meet-cutes that I’m constantly daydreaming about won’t be nearly as exciting if (when?) they actually happen…

heads up! I'm about to come barreling around that corner any second...
heads up! I’m about to come barreling around that corner any second!


Why I’m still here

I’m still here because I enjoy being a fan of Richard Armitage. I admire him, his personal brand of acting fascinates me, his personality warms me, his presence electrifies me. being a fan of Richard Armitage is good for me. being a part of this fandom has enriched me intellectually and culturally, it’s helped me grow as a person. and blogging about all of these things has cultivated my writing skills and boosted my self-confidence. being a fan of Richard Armitage keeps my synapses crackling!

snap! crackle! pop!
snap! crackle! pop!

I want to feel enlivened, enlightened, I want to continue to see the world in a different way. I can do that by following Richard’s career, and everything that trickles down from it. he has a profound effect on me. alike, different, easy, hard and everything in between. he affects me in a meaningful way.

I’m still here.


The Facts of Life

Blog Introspection Challenge

10.) What do you find most difficult/challenging about blogging?

Well, I could say it’s finding topics to blog about, or finding the right gifs/captions to use, or learning techie things to better format posts, and all of that would be true. but what I find most challenging about blogging, is operating within the confines of a community. I feel shitty for saying that, but it’s true. 

excuse me while I crawl under this bench...
excuse me, while I crawl under this bench


I get along well with individuals or small groups of individuals but large groups become more difficult. in my off-line life it’s the crowd aspect that bothers me, too many bodies within one space with too much stimulation all at once (noise, touch, smell, sight,etc.). 

letting others go first is not me being polite, it's me guarding my personal space
letting others go first is not me being polite, it’s me guarding my personal space


online it’s similar somewhat in regards to stimulation but more that it’s harder for me to compartmentalize a large group, to place people into categories. I do this, subconsciously, so that I’m better prepared to deal with any given situation/conversation. I can better control my reactions to “stimuli” if I know what I’m going into beforehand. 

wait, that wasn't in the script...
that wasn’t in the script…

I generally have certain expectations about the fandom and it’s members, even though I’ve only actually interacted with a small portion of them and so when they don’t act according to how I expect them to act, it throws me off my axis. this causes me to pessimistically think the fandom as a whole feels the same way about certain issues, thinks the same way, i.e. the opposite from me. in individuals or small groups I relish the differences, I’m able to appreciate and learn from them, but in a large group the differences make me feel like I don’t belong or am in the wrong place. it’s a constant push and pull inside my head. 

come closer...that's close enough
come closer…that’s close enough


all of this makes me wary of “community”, how much of myself can I safely put out there around the fandom? how wise is it to let myself get involved with joint efforts, movements, continuing conversations and debates across various platforms, etc. I’ve come to these conclusions through much trial and error. this is why I say I’m pulling back but then I show up all over the place. I say I’m leaving the Army but then I organize a community project. I say I’m going to keep quiet but then I talk rather loudly. I know I contradict myself, it’s a trait of mine that I will freely admit to!


just know that it’s not you, it’s me. if you see me out there mingling and then I suddenly go quiet and never leave my blog for ages it’s just me destressing from too much stimulation. I might venture out again soon or I might not, there’s really no rhyme or reason to it most of the time. I don’t like crowds but I do like people, it’s just a fact of life.

When the world never seems 
to be livin up to your dreams 
And suddenly you’re finding out 
the facts of life are all about you.

“H” is for Hostility

Blog Introspection Challenge

7.) Which post has the most comments?

That would be “H is for Honesty”. it came about during a time when I was feeling frustrated with the atmosphere in the corner of the fandom that I spent my time in. instead of addressing those issues in a forthright manner, I chose the passive-aggressive route instead. 

I didn't mean you, I meant all of the other people who do that...
oh, I didn’t mean you. I meant all the other people who do that…


I wanted to talk about my frustrations, having an inkling that there were others out there that shared them with me, but I was afraid to draw attention to any one issue for fear of the negative reactions that were sure to come with it. so I just lumped several of them together in one post, hiding behind sarcasm, in the hopes that others would start the conversations that I needed to have in the comment section. 

'sup?..good..good...funny that you should say that because...
‘sup?..good..good…funny you should say that because…


it didn’t exactly work out that way. I had angered a particular blogger with something that I said and she let me know it. others came to my defense, while still others tried to be the voice of reason and point out why that blogger had gotten upset. it was unfortunate because it led to other incidents within the fandom that tore us all apart for awhile. I feel that it had to happen and it was the beginning of a potent learning experience for me, so I can’t regret it completely. I’m a better person for having had those experiences and I’ve gotten to know that particular blogger in a way that I probably never would have otherwise. 

things aren't always what they seem...there's more than you could ever know behind the scenes.
things aren’t always what they seem…there’s more than you could ever know behind the scenes

When I see how popular that post still is with readers, I just have to sigh and let it be. I understand the curiosity, I’ve sifted through old posts and followed links to find the skeletons in this fandom’s closet myself from time to time–it gives a better understanding of where the lines are drawn in certain sections of the community and why. I don’t like when it’s used as ammunition for scapegoating though, piling things on someone’s back that doesn’t rightly belong there in order to justify feelings about something or someone. I’m not going to preach about “getting along” and “being nice” because we all have reasons for doing what we do and saying what we feel must be said. 

dude, why ya always actin like you gotta stick up yo ass?
dude, why you actin like ya gotta stick up yo ass?

sometimes the only way out is through: we need to go through a certain set of circumstances in order to get to where we need to be. I implored others to “say what you want to say” in that post, to not be afraid to speak up. my opinion on that still holds true. 


Nothing’s gonna hurt you

the way that words do

When they settle ‘neath your skin